Leonard Sax has written a number of best-selling books some of which I have already posted book reviews of including Boys Adrift and Why Gender Matters. As a general practitioner and family doctor with an MD, he adds a PhD in psychology to his qualifications . That plus 25 years of experience dealing with families and parenting issues has provided him with a unique range of experience and professional insight. Most certainly I have found The Collapse of Parenting to be one of the best books on the subject available in print that I have come across and would urge anyone looking for guidance or reinforcement to read it. The book provides not only an overall view of social developments affecting the family within which to frame a perspective, but also practical action plans in terms of parenting practices and techniques. It provides a diagnosis of the disease while also providing a program of treatment. In this manner the first half of the books states the problems while the send half of the book proposes solutions. This review will focus on the first half and I trust that if sufficient interest is evoked, readers will access a copy and read the second half in the detail that it deserves.
The subtitle of this book is an important underscoring of the main theme. That being that there is a difference between a child and a grown-up. I have noted over the past twenty years an almost complete dropping out of in common usage of the term ‘grown-up’. I do not believe that this is without significance. The term implies growth into a mature or more developed state and this is certainly the understanding and inference given to it when I was growing up. Having interacted with youth over many years now, I have witnessed a growing tendency for the process of aging to be equated with nothing other than decay or obsoleteness. Adults by this reasoning are nothing other than old teenagers. Indeed, they are not as good insofar as physically their deterioration is evident despite futile efforts to hang onto youth at whatever the cost. There is nothing ‘better’ ‘wiser’ or more developed about adults and as such there is no reason for them to expect or receive respect, deference or compliance. Such power as they do and can exert is defined by an unfair and unequal balance of authority determined by their ability to bully physically or financially the young. Increasingly therefore, the relationship between adults and children is viewed through the lens of oppression in which the freedom of the child is constantly under threat and their freedom of action, thought and deed increasingly defined in terms of rights rather than privilege. In short, if parents will start to view themselves merely as decayed teenagers who simply have the upper hand in the family for unfair reasons of a power differential, they will have a better idea as to how they are seen. If aware of how they are perceived, they will be better prepared to combat it.
Given that Sax believes that one of the most important objectives of parenting is to teach children self-control, then not giving them what they want when they want it draws clear lines of conflict from the outset. Immediate gratification and the desire to have one’s own wants prioritized gives way to an overwhelming sense of entitlement. It also sets the stage where expectations that parents are there to serve is transferred to the world at large as being similarly obligated. Clearly the belief that the world should embrace your wants in the same manner that you have been led to expect through your parents example is a poor preparation for adult life and one destined to lead to disappointment, frustration and unhappiness. Being given what you want implies a kind of passivity which in its turn is a kind of victimization in reverse. It involves being on the receiving end and being given rather than earning or getting what you desire though independent effort. Self-control implies self-denial. A society that promotes living for the moment, indulging wants and do it because it feels good is clearly one that does not support those values. The very nature of consumer marketing implies self-indulgence with the underlying why? because you deserve it mantra. The nature of Western but especially American and North American society has become one promoting self-gratification and living in the moment which in turn can be viewed as a logical extension of an industrial capitalist system that arguably is equally non-sustainable.
While not denying the multitude of factors that have made adolescence and parenting increasingly problematic, Sax identifies the primary cause of most of the problems to be a direct result of a lack of parenting. The current generation of American children are more influenced by their peers than their parents and care more for the opinion and approval of their peers than their parents. In trying to live up to the expectations of peers and not parents, they are in essence raising themselves since they are depending upon others who have as little experience with life as they do. It becomes a case of the blind leading the blind with little or no input from those with actual life experience. This, he argues, is a phenomenon that was not the case 30 years ago and which is not equally the case in all other countries. He gives examples to support this from his lecture tours in countries such as Scotland and Australia. The expression that the wise are capable of learning from the mistakes of others whereas fools are incapable of even learning from their own has applicability here for surely a primary objective of parents is the attempt to have our children avoid the mistakes they have made. In a world were youth dominate the discourse among youth, magical thinking reigns supreme because it has not yet been tempered by experience. The experience of adults is not valued because it is dated and irrelevant and does not fit within the narrative of denial adopted by the youth culture. The existence of cell phones, social media and the internet have exacerbate the problem but this has been made possible by a growing divide between children and adults and the dissolution of the family as a primary social unit. In addition to pressures from without, the absence of parental control, direction and involvement in meaningful activities as a family leaves a door open that is quickly occupied by outside influences. These influences are invariably bad.
As an illustration of the control both given and expected by children in decision making, Sax begins by describing the growing trend to allow very young children to have a say in matters that would have previously been assumed to be the exclusive responsibility of parents. He gives the example of an eight year old girl whose parents left her to make the final choice of a private school in the belief that allowing children to decide was a mark of good parenting. They had made a careful comparison of schools, facilities and programs but their daughter had been impressed by a boy who had been given the task of showing her the school. Apparently, they had some shared interests and hit if off. Despite the parents clear preference based upon research, they reasoned that allowing their daughter to make the decision would be how she would learn. Moreover, if they made the decision for her and she ended up not liking the school, what would they say? As such there were two distinct elements to their decision. The one being that by allowing children at very young ages to make important decisions that this would encourage learning. The second that parents could avoid responsibility for making the wrong choice should their child complain or be unhappy with the choice that they had made for them.
However, even here there is an underlying problem with these two premises. The assumption that young children can learn from their choices as a universal law means that they can teach themselves. In this manner, the responsibility of parents to teach is abrogated together with the responsibility of making decisions on behalf of their child that do not bring about the desired result. I am not suggesting here that parents deliberately give up any responsibility for making choices on behalf of their children, however the rationalization of taking the child’s rights as a priority certainly makes that decision much easier. Progressive educational theorists have for centuries maintained the importance of children learning from the consequences of their own actions. But this like so many other theoretical aspects of practice, must be grounded within the contingencies that are assumed to be in place. Allowing children to make mistakes and learn from them implies that taking responsibility is a natural outcome of independence of action. It is not. An agile mind will quickly find a way to displace responsibility. Why did you let me do that the you knew it wouldn’t work out? Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you explain it better and be more persuading to make me understand? , etc.
If the mafia had their Teflon Don, the avoidance of responsibility is a growing characteristic of 21st century behaviour in children and adults alike. It is rare to hear of anyone taking responsibility for anything unless it is to accept praise and admiration. It seems everyone is a victim and everyone’s actions that are viewed as negative are a direct result of the actions or inaction of others. It is rare to hear anyone shouldering the responsibility for their mistakes. So rare indeed that one expects a ”yes but” to follow when it does occur. We wait for the other shoe to drop. So much is this the case that the terms “empower” and “empowerment” have become common coinage to support the individual in their belief that they can indeed be a captain of their own ship and not be merely a passenger. Empowering involves turning the acted upon into the actor. However, one cannot help but feel that viewing one’s shortcomings as a result of the actions of others is a convenient way to escape personal responsibility, the cost of which becomes the fact that we admit to being powerless.
Lack of parental direction and control is also shown in terms of diet and levels of obesity:
“American children today grow up in a culture in which their desires are paramount, in which school lessons are often presented as entertainment; in which university professors are graded by students based in part on how much fun their classes are. In such a culture, it is unreasonable to expect kids to accept broccoli and Brussels sprouts without protest when they are accustomed to pizza and french fries…It is unrealistic to expect that simply offering kids healthy choices will consistently and reliably lead to kids making healthier choices.”
“When parents begin to cede control to their kids, food choices are the first thing to slide…the command has melted into a request or a question capped with a bribe.”
It is clear that if children are allowed to negotiate or dictate what they will eat and when they will eat, a healthy diet quickly becomes a thing of the past. Similarly, if children are allowed hours of screen time and unlimited access to cell phones, video games and computers, physical activity and fitness are also also compromised. Moreover, if parents abrogate their responsibility to exert influence and guidance, Sax maintains that they will not earn their child’s love but rather their contempt. This, he maintains, feeds into what he calls the culture of contempt where newer is read as better both with respect to cell phones as well as with people. This messaging is further reinforced through television and media where fathers are routinely depicted as weak and ineffectual if not outright idiots and adults in general are seen to lack the wisdom and insight of the young. Recently mothers seem to have come under equal attack as ‘tiger’ mothers whose oppressive and controlling actions attempt to dictate their children’s lives over their own preferences and particular passions. The message throughout resonates with the Pink Floyd lyrics “Teachers! Leave them kids alone” now becoming “Parents! Leave them kids alone.”
Whether overtly stated or inherently implied, the message is that adults should stay out of their children’s lives except to support them in their decisions and provide them with their wants. Adults who do otherwise are depicted as exerting a negative influence. I have elsewhere described this as the turnip theory of child upbringing. Plant the turnip in good soil, water generously and provide sunlight and otherwise leave the turnip alone to grow. This becomes leave children alone but provide stability, comfort and money in an atmosphere of love and freedom and they will grow into perfect adults. If they do not, it is a direct result of adult interference. This is an educational philosophy that was advocated by the most extreme practitioner and exponent of ‘progressive’ education A.S. Neill. His Summerhill School was championed in the late sixties among faculties of education and teacher training. More freedom in upbringing will result in perfect adults. Adults do not have the right into interfere with the freedom of children. Interference by adults in controlling the lives of children is invariably negative. These statements became the underlying axioms of modern education and correspondingly in much of modern parenting. However, it is important to note that these ideas grew to this status having been given birth at the height of the 1960s counter cultural revolution just as progressive educational extremism of Neill was born in the 1920s as a reaction to the militarism and blind patriotism that was purported to have caused WWI. The Freedom From movement implied that increased individual determination would lead to positive values. There is however no evidence to support this assumption. Indeed, the fact that you are against something does not imply that you are for anything. That might of course be the case but in practice it all too frequently implies a moral vacuum.
Sax goes on to address two other issues of importance. The first being why there is an increase in issues related to learning and school performance especially in boys? The second being why are children today so fragile as evidenced by the alarming growth of issues pertaining to mental health.? Though apparently separate, he goes on to argue that they are indeed related.
Children, especially boys, who lack imposed structure and routine will invariably suffer in terms of diet, exercise and sleep. Having access to screens in the bedroom will provide distractions as will access to fast food and high calorie snacks. The constant access to ‘friends’ through phones and social media will further reinforce the bond between likeminded peers and undermine parental influence. These issues can and will all combine to affect school attendance as well as attention. Lack of parental control and direction in supplying structure and the encouragement of positive habits creates a perfect storm in which prevalent educational philosophies wreak havoc. The current emphasis upon self-esteem and the building up of self-confidence based upon gratuitous practices of heaping praise upon mediocre performance while eliminating comparative standards, gives rise to overblown opinions of one’s own abilities. When confronted with difficulty, the first instinct becomes frustration and when confronted by failure the reaction becomes withdrawal and flight. In this regard, current practices in their attempt to protect the ego of students by creating an unrealistic sense of individual achievement relative to others only results in other problems and a crisis in later life. Sax argues that dealing with failure and developing a sense of humility are important aspects of childhood development and essential for the preparation into adulthood. As he puts it, the culture of self-esteem leads to the culture of resentment. Telling a child how smart he is because he is able to hack into the family internet to access video games after hours does not prepare him for his failure in a math quiz. He cannot be both really smart and a failure. Therefore math is useless. Therefore school is useless or as one boy once told me “you go to school to become smart but I have been told that I am already smart so I don’t need school”.
The irony therefore is that in practices that will supposedly promote mental health, those very efforts have increasingly undermined it and created a generation of increasingly fragile children. A Singaporean student of mine from many years ago who ended up immigrating to Canada recently remarked to me that Canadians were like strawberries-easily bruised! Given the ruthlessly competitive and demanding nature of the educational system in Singapore, it is interesting to note how a system so deeply flawed by North American standards could produce such a well-adjusted and successful adult. She has repeatedly mastered challenges in her personal and professional life through hard work, resiliency and determination not to mention also being intelligent. But ‘smart’ was only one element in her arsenal of success.
It is clear that relaxing standards and demands both with respect to behaviour and academic requirements to secure ‘success’ is a recipe for disaster since it does not prepare youth to accept the consequences of their own lack of effort or ability and merely delays that realization to when they leave school and enter the adult workplace. Being smart and being hard-working are not mutually exclusive. However, in my experience I have been told by many underachieving boys that smart people do not work hard because they find easy ways to make money and be successful. Indeed a strong work ethic i.e. working hard for the sake of it is regarded by them as a mark of ultimate stupidity. One may recall the Aesop’s fable of the Hare and the Tortoise to understand that the human experience has not changed in its fundamentals for thousands of years.
So yes, Sax is placing much of the responsibility and blame for problematic children on the lack of parenting in confronting the challenges of modern society and the upbringing of children with it. He is arguing that parenting involves leadership and the passing on of knowledge, experience and values from parents to children. This is a family responsibility and cannot be left to the school system, society or existing culture to assume. Events prove that this cannot be allowed without peril — not only with respect to the children but also to the society itself in which they will later be under-functioning adults.
I would conclude this review with the following statement. Education as the passing on of experience and wisdom is the most fundamentally important process in human life. It alone provides for progress. Parenting was and still is a fundamental aspect of education as we attempt to impart to our children the skills and knowledge to confront the challenges of life successfully. It is in our ability to build upon past experiences both good and bad so as to pass them forward to another generation that hope exists. For if progress is to be made, and any hope for the individual or race is to be held, it is on the basis of learning from the experiences of others while adding to that the experiences gained in our own struggles and triumphs. Teaching our children and learning from our parents is a prolegomena to the wider sphere of learning from history— possibly the most underrated and poorly administered subject within the current curriculum. That, however, is the subject for a later time.